Will My Family Be Okay?

• Are you exhausted by the arguments that seem to come out of nowhere?

• Are you experiencing a family crisis or one (or more) family member’s mental health issue?

• Did your family recently go through a big life event, such as moving, marriage, adding a new family member, divorce, graduation, or death of a loved one?

• Do you want your family to be able to cope better with stress?

Lately you have been at your wit’s end not knowing what to do that would be best for your family. You work so hard to take care of your family, but sometimes it seems to backfire. You want to understand them, but it seems like there is an enormous gulf between you. You are scared that your current pattern - the arguments or distancing - will result in more and more stress, and hurt your love ones, even though you want what’s best for your family. Your family is THE most important thing in your life. You wish that you could make all of your family members healthy and happy, but you don’t seem to be able to hear and understand one another.

All Families Experience Stress

Everyone is familiar with the word “stress.” Some typical stressful life events are marriage, divorce, a major illness, gaining a new family member, a child leaving home, and somebody starting, changing, or finishing schools. Many of life’s stressors are universal and many others are quite common if you live a normal life.  

On the other hand, as a society we don’t do a good job of giving families extra understanding and compassion during times of change and difficulty. Many families have to contend with intense jobs and life responsibilities, fast-paced technology that delivers stimulation and information around the clock, societal messages about “having it all,” and a shortage of support networks. Dealing with life’s stressors with limited time, energy, and resources may result in unhealthy communication styles, negative behaviors, and individual mental health issues, leading to a family crisis or a breakdown in the positive bonds between family members.

Family Therapy Can Help You Nurture Your Family Relationships

I take an active, compassionate, and strengths-based approach to working with families. I am nonjudgmental, supportive, and curious. I begin family therapy with a discussion about healthy communication guidelines such as each family member being allowed to have their own perspective but that each person share their perspective in a respectful way. I talk with a family to decide on what the problem is and then we take steps to move toward solving the problem.

I teach skills of healthy communication and managing emotions. Sometimes, families get stuck when trying to reach a therapy goal, so family therapy may also include addressing factors such as outside stressors, what different generations are taught, the influences of culture and society, and what resources can be utilized. Families leave family therapy with more empathy for one another, increasing positive bonding activities, and better skills to manage disagreements.

Research shows that family therapy is effective for improving relationships and conflict between family members, for treating a variety of mental health issues, and may also lead to better school or work performance. After participating in family therapy, almost 90% of those surveyed report an improvement in their emotional health, 66% report an improvement in their overall physical health, and in parent-child cases, about 74% of parents report that their child’s behavior improved.

After 15 years of practicing therapy, I began to see the limitations of individual therapy to address relationship problems. It was like I only had one piece of a puzzle in front of me and was missing the other pieces, but still trying to solve the whole puzzle. That led me to get certified in family systems therapy.

Since then, I have worked with families with older children, teens, multi-generational homes, LGBTQ+ individuals, multicultural homes, stepparents, and adult children. Some of the changes I have seen in family therapy are: people gaining new information that they didn’t know about one another, replacing judgment with empathy, going from getting angry to patient listening, and from withdrawing to expressing their needs.

But You May Still Have Reservations About Family Therapy…

We are a Good Family and Don’t Need Family Therapy

You CAN be a good family AND attend family counseling. Initially, you may feel embarrassed to be considering family therapy, because we have been taught that asking for professional help is weak or shameful. But from my perspective, families who go to therapy are actually courageous and committed. Family therapy can range between short-term (12 sessions, on average) and long-term (months or years), depending on the complexity of issues. I will collaborate with you on your goals for treatment and also on the frequency and length of treatment. Some families go to therapy periodically over the years, whether for a “tune-up” or to address new issues that show up.

We Don’t Need the Whole Family to Attend Therapy. We Just Need One Family Member to Attend Their Own Therapy

Caring and loving families go to family therapy to tap into their strengths and to learn new skills for communication and stress management. My philosophy is that individual therapy for one person is less effective than family therapy if the problem involves communication and relationship issues. Think about how important your family is to you and how many hours a week you spend together. Compared to one hour of individual therapy per week, improving a family’s interactions has a much greater impact, not just on the person with the most obvious issues, but on everyone else as well.

Research shows that family therapy is as effective, and in some cases more effective than individual treatments for many mental health problems such as depression, adult alcohol and drug abuse, teen drug abuse, child conduct problems, childhood autism, and chronic physical illness in adults and children. When a canary in a coal mine gets sick, that is a sign that oxygen is running out for all of the miners, too. You don’t just bring the canary out of the mine; everybody needs to get out of danger together.

What if Family Therapy Makes Things Worse or Unimproved?

You may have tried family therapy before and it didn’t help, or made things worse. Some therapists don’t have specialized training in family therapy and treatment turns into individuals complaining about one another. The therapy session becomes a courtroom, with the therapist as judge and family members as plaintiff and defendant, rather than family members learning better ways of interacting with each other. Family therapy sessions should be an opportunity for the therapist to see, catch, and help you re-work negative interaction patterns. You can argue at home for free, without needing to pay to argue in front of a therapist!

Your Family Can Thrive

If you would like to schedule an appointment or would like to discuss any questions you may have regarding family therapy, I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. Please contact me at shihwewangphd@gmail.com or leave a voicemail at (339) 217-6001. I endeavor to return all messages within 1 business day. I hope to hear from you soon!